Transitional Invariance

tran·si·tion (tran(t)-ˈsi-shən)n. Passage from one form, state, style, or place to another.
invariance (in-ˈver-ē-ən(t)s)n. The property of remaining unchanged regardless of changes in the conditions of measurement.

This is my dichotomy. Is it possible to make true changes in my life while remaining unchanged as a person? Is it naive to think that I can stay true to myself while committing to making these changes? And, if I really believe that significant changes are required, then how well do I actually know myself?

Every year, since I was able to understand the definition of the word “resolution”, I’ve vowed to do better, be better, stop this, change that. I do pretty well for a few days, a few weeks, sometimes even a few months. Sooner or later though, the old habits and familiar tendencies creep their way back in. Change is good, yes. But, change is damn hard. Particularly when I am the only one holding myself accountable to these resolutions.

So, how will this year be different? I don’t know the answer to that for sure yet. I just know that it has to be. Two years ago, I made a promise to myself but I’ve not done a very good job of keeping it.  Keeping that promise requires a great deal of faith and confidence, two things I’ve been woefully lacking. At some level, I suppose, I haven’t felt like I deserved the eventuality of that promise.

Four and a half months ago I was given an amazing gift (I’ll tell you more about that in my next post) and finally I feel like maybe that tide is turning…that I can be invariable in this transition.

The List

Some people have a bucket list, but I’m not ready to think about all of the things I want to accomplish before I die. I just want to focus on the things I need to do so I can really Live. With a capital L. For the last thirty-something years, I feel like I have merely existed and that is no way to Live. Here’s the start of my list, the steps I feel like I need to take to make my life my own again, to learn how to live…for the first time.

  1. Get Organized. My life is a mess. Both literally and figuratively. I’m too easy on myself. I don’t hold myself accountable and I’m horrible at planning. I took a page from Gala Darling‘s playbook and placed an order with Filofax. This pretty little pink binder will become my lifeline for the next year. I’ll use it to plan, organize and journal. I can’t wait for it to arrive.
  2. Get Fit. It would be a bit trite to list “lose weight” as one of my goals, though in the end, that will be the result. I have the tools in place that I need to lose weight, I just need to use them wisely. That means I need to commit to an exercise regimen. Ultimately, I want to learn to think of exercise as something I do because I enjoy it, not because I have to.
  3. Log. Log. Log. That tool I mentioned, it has a few specific dietary requirements. To meet those requirements, I need to be diligent about logging what I eat. I really like using FatSecret.com for logging. The website features a great tool for building recipes and calculating nutritional values, it keeps track of your most recent food choices and there is an app for my Droid and my iPod. The best part is I can save my food diary as a .pdf document and email it to my dietician for review and analysis.
  4. Journal Compulsively. This will be a tough one. I have a hard time thinking about, much less writing about, what I’m thinking and feeling. I really want to learn to be present in each moment, so to that end I’m going to journal more to force myself to focus on my own thoughts.
  5. Blog Regularly. Blogging will be my way of keeping myself accountable, keeping track of my changes and being honest with myself when I stumble along my transitional path.

There you have it. I’ll add to this list as time goes along, adding mini-goals and checkpoints along the way. Tomorrow, I’ll start telling you more of my story.

Happy New Year!

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    • Kelly
    • January 3rd, 2011

    I saw the link for your blog from Vertical Sleeve Talk. If you need help in getting organized, I would recommend http://www.flylady.com. I am still fluttering but it is a great site. I was sleeved Dec 1st and am loving it. Looking forward to reading more.

    • Arcadia
    • January 30th, 2011

    “At some level, I suppose, I haven’t felt like I deserved the eventuality of that promise.”

    I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been in the same position for most of my life. This year, after surviving a car accident, I decided that it was time to change things and actually do that living with a capital L thing you talked about. It seems like you and I are in similar places in life. You have my contact info and my cell #, I believe. Don’t hesitate to use them! I’m always here to just chat or for support or to bounce ideas around.

    A friend of mine recently told me not to write down that I wanted to lose weight because when you lose something, there’s an implication that it can be found again. We definitely don’t want to find any of those pounds we lose! So I think a goal of getting fit is a much better way to put it. Bravo!

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