Lost and Found

When I last left off, I had made a vow to get back on the straight and narrow, log my food and exercise like a woman possessed and really get serious about all of my goals. None of that happened. For the last month I’ve been in this freefall…a downward spiral of ennui and poor choices.

Not that the scale has noticed…much. Even though I counsel patients all the time not to become a slave to the scale, it is not a truth I live by.  The first thing I do when I walk into the office each morning is kick off my shoes and jump on the scale. I never get disappointed when I don’t see a big drop, rather I keep waiting for that hard slap in the face when the number goes up. Which it rarely does. Even after vacation. That Monday morning I stepped up to a six pound loss. I was flabbergasted, to say the least. A few of those came back just a couple days later, but I wasn’t shocked by that. Since then, the scale steadily moves (down, thankfully) a tenth of a pound at a time.

I think I’m in test mode. Like I’m trying to see how much I can get away with before the scale jumps up and bites me in the ass. That’s a dangerous place to be. I’m making poor food choices, particularly in the evening, and my old friend the Carb Monster has been cozily camped out in my head.  I’m considering trying the Five Day Pouch Test just to get back to the basics of my prescribed eating plan and rid myself of these insidious carb cravings.

The one thing with which I have been consistent, though, is my exercise. I’m going to the gym at least four times per week and I’ve recently started a Couch to 5K program. If someone had told me 9 months ago I’d like running, I’d have had to see that they were institutionalized. But, I do enjoy it.  I’m also doing a lot of strength training. However, for the last week or so, I’ve felt pretty uninspired about my workouts. I feel like I’m just going through the motions. In my head, I know that any exercise is good exercise, but I want more. More effort, more focus and more results. I come home from the gym, drop trou and curse my thighs. How many squats and lunges do I have to do before they firm up? I’m considering hiring a personal trainer, for at least a few sessions, who will work with me to develop more effective workouts that will give me the results I’m looking for. I’m not unrealistic. I’ve lost 120 lbs from my highest weight (in 2008), 90 of those during the last nine months. I know that I’m going to have some amount of loose skin, it is inevitable. I just want to minimize it as best I can, and I know that filling in some of that skin with muscle will help.

While I’ve lost a bit of my discipline and committment, I have found a couple of things…my biceps. I have (little) muscles. In my arms! I’ve always had strong legs but my arms are weak, weak, weak. Tonight, while putting my hair up before going to the gym, I noticed something entirely foreign to me. Definition in my arms! I didn’t feel the least bit foolish standing in front of my dressing room mirror flexing and checking out my new muscles from all angles. Not one bit.

That’s all I have for now. I know I’ve been lazy about posting, mostly I’ve been procrastinating because I don’t like to put my failures on display if I can help it.  But, I’m not going to pretend that everything is rosy all the time.  I do want to say a little thank you to my bestie who listens to all of my “woe is me” ramblings and always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better…even if that means lying about the shape of my thighs.

 

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