Archive for the ‘ Behavior Changes ’ Category

Lost and Found

When I last left off, I had made a vow to get back on the straight and narrow, log my food and exercise like a woman possessed and really get serious about all of my goals. None of that happened. For the last month I’ve been in this freefall…a downward spiral of ennui and poor choices.

Not that the scale has noticed…much. Even though I counsel patients all the time not to become a slave to the scale, it is not a truth I live by.  The first thing I do when I walk into the office each morning is kick off my shoes and jump on the scale. I never get disappointed when I don’t see a big drop, rather I keep waiting for that hard slap in the face when the number goes up. Which it rarely does. Even after vacation. That Monday morning I stepped up to a six pound loss. I was flabbergasted, to say the least. A few of those came back just a couple days later, but I wasn’t shocked by that. Since then, the scale steadily moves (down, thankfully) a tenth of a pound at a time.

I think I’m in test mode. Like I’m trying to see how much I can get away with before the scale jumps up and bites me in the ass. That’s a dangerous place to be. I’m making poor food choices, particularly in the evening, and my old friend the Carb Monster has been cozily camped out in my head.  I’m considering trying the Five Day Pouch Test just to get back to the basics of my prescribed eating plan and rid myself of these insidious carb cravings.

The one thing with which I have been consistent, though, is my exercise. I’m going to the gym at least four times per week and I’ve recently started a Couch to 5K program. If someone had told me 9 months ago I’d like running, I’d have had to see that they were institutionalized. But, I do enjoy it.  I’m also doing a lot of strength training. However, for the last week or so, I’ve felt pretty uninspired about my workouts. I feel like I’m just going through the motions. In my head, I know that any exercise is good exercise, but I want more. More effort, more focus and more results. I come home from the gym, drop trou and curse my thighs. How many squats and lunges do I have to do before they firm up? I’m considering hiring a personal trainer, for at least a few sessions, who will work with me to develop more effective workouts that will give me the results I’m looking for. I’m not unrealistic. I’ve lost 120 lbs from my highest weight (in 2008), 90 of those during the last nine months. I know that I’m going to have some amount of loose skin, it is inevitable. I just want to minimize it as best I can, and I know that filling in some of that skin with muscle will help.

While I’ve lost a bit of my discipline and committment, I have found a couple of things…my biceps. I have (little) muscles. In my arms! I’ve always had strong legs but my arms are weak, weak, weak. Tonight, while putting my hair up before going to the gym, I noticed something entirely foreign to me. Definition in my arms! I didn’t feel the least bit foolish standing in front of my dressing room mirror flexing and checking out my new muscles from all angles. Not one bit.

That’s all I have for now. I know I’ve been lazy about posting, mostly I’ve been procrastinating because I don’t like to put my failures on display if I can help it.  But, I’m not going to pretend that everything is rosy all the time.  I do want to say a little thank you to my bestie who listens to all of my “woe is me” ramblings and always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better…even if that means lying about the shape of my thighs.



Goodies! (And How To Turn Them Down)

My Filofax arrived today! I’ve been obsessively checking my order status on the website and tracking its delivery since I placed my order on New Year’s Eve. Finally, my pretty pink bundle of love has arrived!

Gala Darling is my blog crush and I totally copied her by ordering the Metropol Personal she blogged about back in June.  It is a little smaller than I was thinking it would be (I have a horrible sense of size), but at just over 5″x7″ it fits perfectly in my purse without taking up the whole bag. It came with a week-on-two-pages diary format and I’m trying to decide if that will be enough space for me.  I think I will use it for a bit and then decide if I need to get the day-per-page version.

Now, it is time to organize. I want to set up my filofax so that it is not only functional, but inspirational. I need it to demand that I use it. I’m also trying to decide if I want to keep work related “stuff” in it. I already have a large desk calendar that I use for keeping track of our surgery schedule and I have a pretty good “to do” list system for tasks that need to be accomplished each day and each week.  For now, I think I will keep this one personal. I might jot down mileage when I have to travel to another office or track my ETO time, but that will be it. At least for now. I know that I’m going to need some more To Do list pages, Address book pages and definitely more lined sheets for jotting notes and journaling.

But that wasn’t the only package of goodies that arrived today… oh no! My dear friend Kimmy recently started her own Mary Kay business and I couldn’t wait to show my support. No, my makeup addiction had nothing to do with it. Really. It was just perfect timing. The facial highlighter because my skin tends to be a little dull and sallow-looking in the winter and I needed a new lipstick. Honest. The fact that the Satin Hands collection was a gift with purchase had no bearing at all. *cough*

There was one goodie that I was able to turn down today, and I’m damned proud of myself for it!  One of the service providers we work with drops off little treats on occasion and today it was a simple box of cheese crackers and peanut butter crackers. Mmmmm peanut butter crackers! I love them.  They appeal to my everything-salty-needs-a-little-something-sweet taste bud.  Suzy, however, is not such a fan. There is a definite limit to the number of bread/cracker-like items I can have in one day before she decides she’s had enough. And today, I had a few crackers with my lunch. Nonetheless, when three o’clock rolled around, I wanted something and since I’d already had more than one liter of water, I allowed myself a second cup of coffee. (That Tassimo we got Doc for Christmas is certainly getting a workout…by the staff. I wonder how long before he decides to move it back to his office.)  While I waited for my coffee to brew, I spied the crackers. Mmmmm peanut butter crackers! I took a pack back to my desk and set about finishing my work for the day. When five o’clock rolled around, guess what was still sitting on my desk…

I picked them up several times during that two hour period and almost opened the package. I kept asking myself, Am I really hungry? Do I really need to eat these? The answer, of course, was no. I picked them up because they sounded good and they were available. Before surgery, and perhaps even two weeks ago or two days ago, I would have had the snack and not given it a second thought. But, I am really trying to recognize and understand my eating behaviors, to identify those triggers that lead me to eat. Today, it was the “whew! that was a busy day of patients and it is finally quiet…time to unwind” feeling.  I was able to beat it back today. Let’s hope I can do it again tomorrow.

To be on the safe side, I might hide them in a drawer. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Today’s tally:
Breakfast: Greek Yogurt with Kashi Go Lean Cereal (8.75g Protein)
Lunch: Spicy Thai Chili Tuna and crackers (15.4g Protein)
Dinner: Scrambled Egg with Cheddar and Green Chile Salsa, Strip of Bacon (16.52g Protein)
Snack: I’m a little light on protein today, so I’ll probably grab a stick of string cheese or two (8g Protein each). I’m not going to fret about coming up short, as it is too late in the evening to eat 20+ grams more. I’ll just plan better for tomorrow.

Exercise: 100 Sit Ups and 30 minutes of Zumba

Tomorrow’s Goal: More protein and get up thirty minutes early to jump on the elliptical before work. Also, I’m having dinner with my aunt at my favorite restaurant tomorrow. I will attempt to pass up the crab cakes.